Setting Boundares and Saying NO

We are constantly bombarded daily with requests for our time. While helping others can be very rewarding, at the same time we can feel distraught about constantly obligating ourselves to others while not fulfilling our own needs. We can feel distressed about constant commitments to do things we simply don’t have the time, energy or desire to do.

At times, we may immediately feel the urge to say no, but instead lose our nerve. the question is why?

Is it because:
You fear you won’t be liked or feel a strong need to please everyone
You have to always keep the calendar full so you feel needed and important
You undervalue the need for down time and forget simply not wanting to do anything is a legitimate reason to say no or you would rather not deal with the consequences of saying no and all the feelings that come with it.

Setting boundaries and saying no is taking personal responsibility for your well-being. This requires you to clearly speak up, and specifically ask for what you want. Your decision to say no to requests from family, friends, and co-workers doesn’t have to be filled with feelings of uneasiness and guilt. It fact, it’s important you remember the decision to say no is strictly a personal choice – yours!

Whether at work, with family, or friends, you can say no with diplomacy, tact, and respect. Here are some ways you can take charge and assert your right to say no.

Be sure you have all the facts
Before making a commitment, be sure you have a complete understanding of exactly what’s being asked of you. You may feel confused because you just don’t have enough information to make a decision. You have the right to ask as many questions as necessary.

Ask yourself “Is this a unreasonable request?”
When someone makes a request, he or she is usually tuned into “WIIFM” (What’s In It For Me). People are not necessarily concerned with whether or not a request is in your best interest. If you feel hesitant, trapped or otherwise uncomfortable – go with your gut and say no. These uneasy feelings probably indicate saying yes isn’t best.

Take Your Time
There is no law that says you have to immediately obligate yourself to someone when asked. Take your time before you make a final decision. Simply say “I need time to think about this. I’ll get back to you.”

Set goals
Setting your goals will make it easier to say no. Establishing priorities makes it easy to decide how much time you can devote to others without sacrificing your own needs. You will be more comfortable declining requests that conflict with your priorities.

Speak up - without excuses or apologies
When you have all the facts and decide say no, say no calmly and firmly. An assertive tone of voice, body language, and eye contact lets others know you are serious and definite in your decision.

Don’t be meek.
Say no directly without excuses. Excuses make you appear as if you aren’t in control of your decisions. If you say “I’m sorry but…” this only weakens your stand. If you have decided saying yes is not in your best interest, no apology is necessary.

What if they won’t take no for an answer?
If someone won’t take no for an answer, repeat your position. Maintain your stand and don’t allow yourself to be manipulated or strong armed. No means no and you have the right to stand by your choice.

Feel good about your decision to say no
Feel calm, confident, and comfortable with your decision to say no. Be secure knowing it’s enough to say no simply because you just don’t want to.
Remember, learn how to say no is a win-win situation for everyone.

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Workplace Bullying

By Jeanna Bryner LiveScience Staff Writerposted: 31 October 2006

The office might be far from the playground, but it’s not off limits to bullies. From a screaming boss to snubbing colleagues, bullies can create a “war zone” in the workplace.

In a recent study, bullied employees likened their experiences to a battle, water torture, a nightmare or a noxious substance. Understanding the seriousness of workplace bullying and what it feels like to get bullied could help managers put the brakes on the behavior, shown to afflict 25 to 30 percent of employees sometime during their careers.

“Many Americans are familiar with sexual and racial harassment, but not generalized workplace bullying,” said study team member Sarah Tracy of Arizona State University. Bullying can lead to higher company costs including increased employee illness, use of sick days, and medical costs, ultimately affecting productivity, she added.

Workplace bullying can include “screaming, cursing, spreading vicious rumors, destroying the target’s property or work product, excessive criticism, and sometimes hitting, slapping, and shoving.” Subtle behaviors, such as silent treatment, disregard of requests and exclusion from meetings, count as bullying.

The scientists interviewed 17 women and 10 men ranging from 26 to 72 years old, who had experienced bullying. Often, people have trouble putting into words their emotions surrounding bully behavior. So the researchers analyzed the metaphors found throughout the participants’ descriptions of bullying.

More than any other metaphor, participants characterized bullying as a contest or battle, with a female religious educator saying, “I have been maimed. … I’ve been character assassinated.” Others expressed feeling “beaten, abused, ripped, broken, scared and eviscerated,” the researchers stated in the upcoming issue of the journal Management Communication Quarterly.

The bullies were described as two-faced actors, narcissistic dictators and devils, leading workers to feel like vulnerable children, slaves and prisoners in these situations. As one employee explained, "I feel like I have 'kick me' tattooed on my forehead."

Bully-proof office
How can you take the bite out of a bully-fied office? “An important first step of changing workplace bullying, is helping people to understand that it's more than just kid stuff,” Tracy told LiveScience.

Early intervention can nip bullying in the bud before it escalates into an established pattern, one resulting in high company costs. The problem is that most bully victims keep their mouths shut, whispering their horrid experiences to close friends rather than higher-ups. The use of metaphors, the researchers suggested, is more subtle and more likely to seep into conversations both public and private.

The scientists will continue examining the prevalence and impact of workplace bullying. In another research project, which will be published in an upcoming issue of the Journal of Office Management, they found that out of more than 400 U.S. workers surveyed, 25 percent were bullied at work.